breaking down identity
I spent something like the last ten years eliminating distractions from my life in order to finally get to the root of what I consider important. I left my career, I sold my physical possessions (including a house!), I confronted my family and worked through childhood trauma. And after all of that, I feel incredible clarity, but I understand that there is still more work to do and I can't shake the idea that my journey is more in line with Buddhism the deeper I go. Lately, I've been examining what constitutes my personal comforts and desires and whether they are actually helping me to evolve or if they are holding me back.
Case in point: while vibing here in Siem Reap, I am renting a more upscale apartment in a fairly bougie neighborhood, mainly because I can afford to. I am very much enjoying the aesthetic and I find the entire experience relaxing. But at the same time, I am wondering why this particular environment elicits such a reaction from me and whether it represents my real identity or if it is just a projection of the idea of accomplishment. I mean... I tell people that I am doing it to live my "middle class dream." Am I questioning myself out of a sense of guilt for participating in something superficial or is this merely a temporary stepping stone that leads to a more meaningful pursuit? During periods of intense change, we often find ourselves retreating to environments we already know to be safe and true. Often that retreat is one of homogeneity. We seek the comfort that is understood by the masses as correct which also reinforces our desire to seek that same kind of safety. It is an unspoken permission from others to believe the thing we want is the right thing even if we question that desire as we experience it. And at the same time, change always comes in small cycles and we all must succumb to the rhythm of life. Life is the journey... not the destination... blah blah blah.
Recently, I am noticing that some of my conversations produce defensiveness from others. That my observations on "life" cause people to question what they are not ready to face. I suspect I am inadvertently demanding people examine their own identities, whether they want to or not. It is interesting to observe others perform the same retreat that I see in myself. As I ask about the fundamentals that drive someone's decisions, I watch them act out a withdrawal to known comforts and mentally put up a wall to reject any ideas that could infiltrate their sense of self. Very rarely do I meet someone who recognizes what I am doing and who equally participates in, and enhances, my observations.
I am beginning to think there are a few key global trends that are amplifying a general fear of self-reflection I notice in the majority of the people I meet:
- we lost our understanding of class consciousness - we no longer have the words to acknowledge that our desires are often driven entirely by capital-class ideals
- we frequently conform to choices made by an algorithm - we blindly believe the options presented to us are the only ones available
- we can not maneuver through interpersonal conflict - we no longer have the skills to disagree with someone without immediately believing the argument is an attack on our own self worth
The more I exist in this world, the more I see these three trends manifesting themselves over and over. I think that, in order to find my "people," I need to focus on recognizing the ones who understand how these trends manipulate all of us. And this realization is helping me to also understand that my desire for perpetual travel has roots in a search for a place to really call "home." I wander aimlessly in hopes to experience a fleeting conversation of real depth, a serene environment to foster inner peace, an event where the participants practice collective care to uplift the group. A home may not necessarily be a single location but - for those of us who want to exist on the fringes - a home may just merely be a collection of passing circumstances. The idea of comfort, for me, might actually be to manifest those circumstances more frequently.