i can name my trauma
I recently stumbled on the term Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD which looks to be the most accurate description of the mental and emotional issues I've been faced with my entire life. I can absolutely attest to the fact that I live in a constant state of anxiety with an overbearing feeling of fight or flight. The fact that C-PTSD is brought on by an abusive caregiver during one's childhood makes perfect sense. I never learned to be calm. I never learned I could be safe.
I've been reading about treatments and what struck me the the most is the idea that recovery isn't just the in the mind but recovery is even more so in the body. One's nerves need to be taught to relax. This is something I really struggle with and its only been very recently that I have had the strength to recognize unhealthy situations and to pull myself out without also experiencing overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. I am very very slowly getting more and more comfortable with protecting my peace. I am very very slowly getting more comfortable with recognizing when situations are not emergencies. And I am quicker to turn and walk away when I notice and individual acting cruel and/or deceptive.
All of this may feel very normal and intuitive to many folks reading this but, for me, this is revolutionary. As a child I had to take abuse and bury my feelings over and over. There were no "adults" to protect me and I had to build defense mechanisms of denial and deflection in order to survive. It was only in the last few months that I un-buried everything and now I recognize that I am finally processing my childhood. Its taken decades to get here and I postponed the inevitable with a steady diet of alcohol and drugs. This year, I am completely sober and last year I witnessed my childhood abuse as an adult for the first time. It was a jarring experience that left me completely shocked and I had to repeatedly give myself grace for inventing extremely unhealthy defense mechanisms at such a young age.
There are so many things I want to do now that I am starting a dirtbag rich lifestyle. But I now know that before I begin my new life, I need to finish processing the anxiety, anger, fear, sadness of my childhood and I need to begin to unlearn the defense mechanisms that no longer serve me. Starting in April, I will spend time at a meditation and yoga center where I can (hopefully) quietly and calmly teach my body to finally relax.