i just want to vibe around
One of my favorite youtubers recently reviewed the film, I Love Boosters, and questioned why even include LaKeith Stanfield's character at all. I finally just saw the movie and I think my response is that Stanfield's character is supposed to be completely inconsequential. He represents a mixture of male main character tropes we see so often in mainstream movies and Keke Palmer's character repeatedly dismisses him while she and the other female leads move the plot forward. I found this little tidbit extremely inspiring (along with the theme of creating art instead of consuming art) and overall really enjoyed pretty much everything about the film. I may be a bit biased tho since I spent roughly 20 years of my life living in Oakland, California which is a city that generally runs by its own rules and rhythms. My time spent in that town significantly shaped me and the film absolutely embraces the oddball chaos of Oakland.
Now I'm here in Siem Reap, Cambodia and waiting on a 6 month visa extension to go through. I don't have a goal or a plan, other than to "vibe around" (to quote one of my other favorite youtubers) for a bit and work on my terminal projects. And honestly, who knows where my head will be at come November/December when it will be time for me to make a visa run or to move on to somewhere else. Just gonna vibe it out. And sitting still for a bit is where I think I need to be at this time. In the world of therapy, the first step to processing trauma is to feel all the feelings no matter how painful and ugly. And right now, everything I buried deep deep down for my entire life is surfacing. I haven't had an easy time with this but the whole experience is turning out to be quite good. I am recognizing the roots of my bad patterns. I am recounting painful past experiences and understanding when I was to blame. I am second guessing all my thoughts and reactions and pinpointing their origins and questioning whether they are helpful to me or not. My past traumas are in everything I think or do and it is somewhat exhausting to constantly stop and evaluate myself and change course in my mind.
But I know now that I am absolutely my own worst enemy. No one has caused me as much damage as I ultimately caused myself. I had to massively self-censor from a very young age for self-preservation but I never had the opportunity -- until now -- to assess whether that censorship is necessary anymore. I was stuck in a self perpetuating cycle where I put myself in a mental box out of a fear that stopped existing decades ago. I put so much unnecessary pressure on myself to live an existence that I ultimately did not want. And now, I am in the process of breaking down those barriers so I can manifest the true existence I actually want to live. What are the basic things I need to feel comfortable? How often do I want to go "heads down" and grind out something vs following whims and intuition? What kind of sleep schedule will make me the happiest? How will I identify myself to others? What do I actually want to fill my days doing? Its all up in the air. What person I will be in 6 months, I do not know.